I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
