xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
