So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
