I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my being single is dangerous.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
