you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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