Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
