the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
