New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
