I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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