I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
