Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
