we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
