dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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