He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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