can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Jerry, you need to find god
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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