1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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