I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
