She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
