Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
