You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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