mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
