anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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