I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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