I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
