i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
