Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
