I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
