Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
