allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
