who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
