we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
