I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
