I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
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Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
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There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.