Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
