She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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