Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
