u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
