listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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