My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
