Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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