he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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