i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Mom said you looked used
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
