a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
