i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
