Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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