i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
