At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
