and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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