I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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