Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Duck Duck Cougar?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
