I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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