I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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