Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
