dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
