I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
