i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My feet surprised me
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
