Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
